I wrote this piece right here. Hooray for fresh material!
"I really don't want to be here..."
I sigh and shut my mouth. This is Kerry's grandma's funeral and I want to be anywhere but here. It's just...I like Kerry and all, but I don't know any of her relatives yet. We've actually only been dating each other for a few months. I introduced myself to her at a rock concert when I noticed that we both had the same tattoo of a burning skull. Small world. Anyway, from there on, I expected all of the things we would do to be hardcore. Now I'm at a funeral. I am bored out of my MIND. I look around to see all of the people. I amuse myself by making up imaginary lives for all of them. That woman crying is a housewife with five kids and secretly hates ketchup. That somber man is an over-worker who hopes to get a dollar raise in the toothpaste company he works for. That woman crying is... wait. They all look the same. I realize how boring this funeral is going to be. I crack my knuckles and Kerry holds my hand so I stop. She's never been this forceful before. What's wrong? I pull my hand away and try to focus on the procession. It moves at an annoyingly sluggish pace. I start humming "Stairway to Heaven" and tap my fingers to the rhythm. Kerry looks at me with a concentrated and frustrated face and says in a whisper, "Stop it." I try to fall asleep, but she elbows me. This is stupid. Why should we care so much about the dead? They're gone, so why have this big anti-party? Just forget about them. That's what I want. When I'm gone I want people to just get back to their lives. I'm just a passing guy. Who needs to honor me? I check the clock. An hour left to go. This is going to be a long funeral...