Thursday, August 21, 2008

Pony Ride

I recently went on a really boring and tedious trail ride, so I tried thinking from a horse's point of view.

Round and round, round and round, every day from dawn till dusk. Same speed, same clippity-clop of the hooves. Why do I do it? So that asshole can make an extra buck off of torturing me.

Why do the kids like it? They sit on my back as they're taken around the pen counter-clockwise again and again. It's like NASCAR, but somehow even duller.

I could've been something or at least DONE something with my life. Race horse, jumping horse, cattle horse, ANY horse. But I'm not even a horse here. Just a slave.

Why am I here? Have I ever done anything wrong? In a past life did I commit some heinous crime and not get punished enough? Did I not do my time? Cause I'm sure doing time here.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

75 Games You Must Play Before You Die

When you're on your death bed, look over this list to see if you've missed any of these masterpieces. If you have, try to play as soon as possible.
  • Banjo-Kazooie
  • Banjo-Tooie
  • Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
  • Chrono Trigger
  • Day of the Tentacle
  • Donkey Kong Country
  • Donkey Kong Country 2
  • Donkey Kong Country 3
  • Donkey Kong Jungle Beat
  • Earthbound
  • Elite Beat Agents
  • Gitaroo Man
  • Guitar Hero II
  • Guitar Hero III
  • Jet Set Radio
  • Kingdom Hearts II
  • Kirby's Adventure
  • Kirby: Canvas Curse
  • Kirby Super Star
  • Kirby and the Crystal Shards
  • Little Big Planet (I can tell from the demo)
  • LostWinds
  • Luigi's Mansion
  • Lumines
  • Mario Galaxy
  • Mario Kart 64
  • Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga
  • Megaman
  • Megaman 2
  • Megaman 3
  • Megaman 6
  • Megaman Battle Network 2
  • Mister Mosquito
  • New Super Mario Bros.
  • Paper Mario
  • Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door
  • Patapon
  • Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
  • Pokemon Blue/Red/Yellow
  • Pokemon Gold/Silver/Crystal
  • Pokemon Snap
  • Portal
  • Rock Band
  • Sam and Max Hit the Road
  • Shadow of the Colossus
  • Sonic Adventure
  • Sonic Adventure 2
  • Super Mario 64
  • Super Mario Bros. 3
  • Super Mario RPG
  • Super Mario Sunshine
  • Super Mario World
  • Super Paper Mario
  • Super Smash Bros. Brawl
  • Super Smash Bros. Melee
  • Tales of the Abyss
  • Tetris
  • Tetris Attack
  • The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
  • The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
  • The Legend of Zelda: Minish Cap
  • The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
  • The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages
  • The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons
  • The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
  • The Legend of Zelda: Windwaker
  • Tomba!
  • Tomba! 2: The Evil Swine Return
  • Touch Detective
  • WarioWare
  • WarioWare: Twisted!
  • We <3 Katamari
  • Yoshi's Island
  • You Don't Know Jack
  • Zack and Wiki: The Quest For Barbados' Treasure

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Video Games Haven't Failed Me Yet

Me: See? If I drift around the turns, I don't need to slow down.

Instructor: Why do you need to go so fast!?!

Me: So I can finish the test within the time limi...

Instructor: AAAAAA!

Me: Crap. I fell off the bridge. I'll never finish in time now. Where's the retry button?


Me: Oh. I guess we'll have to wait, then. Where the hell is Lakitu?

And that's how I failed my driver's test.

Monday, August 18, 2008


I’m in a dinghy with an oar. I need to find land. I’m sure it’s close. I see something in the distance! It’s an island! I paddle as fast as I can, but the oar starts to dissolve. My whole boat is dissolving! I fall into the water. I must get to the island! I try to swim, but my arms are too tired. I’m going under!

I wake up. What a dream! I need to write this down!
“I needed to get to land and there was land and my boat melted…”
Where’s my dream notebook? It’s not next to my bed. I get up and search my drawers.
“I need to write about the boat and land and water…”
It’s not here. I run downstairs and see my mom eating breakfast.

“Mom, have you seen my dream notebook?”
“I think it’s under the magazines in the living room.”

I rush into the living room and search under the magazines. “There was water and a boat…” Here it is! I flip it open to a fresh page and put my pen to the paper. I write down, ‘Water’. “Wait…wasn’t there more?”

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Scotland is a Bit Different

I look up in a cafe to see a flyer for a website named polestars. Among the things you can buy are a naked butler and nipple tassles, both with pictures. Is this strange to everyone or is this commonplace? The best thing about being in a different country is that you really don't know.

At first glance, Scotland is the same as the US, save some small differences. Dollars become pounds, pants become trousers, fries are now chips thus making chips into crisps. Throw in kilts and bagpipes and you've got it down, right? Well... no. Not really.

Everything here is either connected to the crown or the church. The streets are all named after some saint and sodas and various other refreshments are checked by her majesty.

They have a strange policy of drinking; do it as much as possible, but don't let the kids see. It's pretty stupid and it doesn't help.

If you check the headlines of any newspaper here, you'll soon realize that nobody is good at titling things. Headlines include "Celtic poised to gazump rivals in bid for Loovens" and "Ronaldo voted the ultimate gay icon". Well, maybe their subjects are just really bad.

One last thing that I found weird is that there is tea time, but hardly anyone has tea. If someone asks you if you've had tea, that means have you had dinner. This is especially strange because no one has tea at dinner. Scotland is an odd place.

A Moment in Edinburgh

This tidbit is based on what I saw on an Edinburgh bus.

The old man takes a swig of the 2-liter bottle of Fanta and passes it to his friend.

"I can't believe it's come to drinking our troubles away..."

Friday, August 15, 2008

A First Foray Into The Fringe (Food)

I don't know which is worse; being at a cafe in which they cover all breakfasts with baked beans or the fact that they deliver.

My experience in Edinburgh, Scotland so far has been a bit of a so-so experience. That being said, the food is not in fact so-so, but a bit of a disaster. To find a decent meal, you must have a guide and little preference. Once you find a restaurant or cafe that doesn't have pre-made food, you check a menu full of extremely high prices. If the pound were equal to the dollar, it would be understandable, but it is worth twice the dollar. You order the food, then wait... and wait... and wait. It takes maybe half an hour to get sandwiches. Only one person is working on the food. The other 3 are hanging out and cleaning dishes.

Shopping for food isn't exactly great either. Much of the produce is horrible. The artichokes were completely brown!

I must admit, I fell into a tourist trap. A sign said a bakery made Mars bars in batter. I rushed inside and bought one. It wasn't horrible. It tastes basically as it sounds. It was just bad enough to throw out after the second bite. I'm not sure each bite was worth a pound, though.

I wasn't even allowed into most pubs. They need licenses to not serve alcohol to minors, so i couldn't just get food. Somehow, I don't think this system works, seeing how Scotland has one of the highest rates of alcoholism.

The one thing that I was impressed with was the cheese and lox. The fatty cheese was creamy and rich while the lighter cheese was crumbly and slightly tangy. The lox was as good as I've had and the kippered salmon had a delightfully spicy aftertaste. At least if worst comes to worst, I can always have a picnic.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Little Big Planet Beta is Closed

I got an email address at the Edinburgh Interactive Festival to someone in the beta. I emailed them and asked for help to get into the beta. They told me that the beta was now closed. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to wait a couple months to play it again.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Little Big Planet: The Collector's Lair

This is the final boss of Little Big Planet. We lost.

Little Big Planet Helicopter

A Helicopter clone in Little Big Planet. It's made with Sackboy and a jetpack.

Little Big Planet Bull Riding

Stay on the longest to win!

Little Big Planet Japan and Ninjas

The title is pretty self-explanatory.

Little Big Planet Rocket Powered Car

This is building a rocket-powered car in create mode.

Video of Representative Telling Me Release Date

He says October 24th. Let's hope he's right.

Little Big Planet Picking a Level and Costume

Here's a video of us picking costumes at the level select screen. I also found out that if you double click the analog sticks, hold them down, then rotate the sixaxis, Sackboy rotates his pelvis. I wonder how this could be useful ANYWHERE.

Little Big Planet "Fiery Maze"

Here's the second video I took. There are plenty to come, don't worry.

Little Big Planet "Spline Rider"

Somebody asked for a video from Little Big Planet. Here's the first one.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Little Big Planet at the Edinburgh Interactive Festival

Yesterday I went to the Edinburgh Interactive Festival with two and a half hours and nothing to do but play and talk about Little Big Planet. Literally. Everything else there was actually pretty boring.

Last month, I asked visitors of to give me questions to ask the representative at the festival, and, surprisingly, got all but one answered.

1. Are there plans to have machinima tools available?

No. None.

2. Can there be a flying machine?

No, but there is floating material.

3. Can you place a sackboy NPC?


4. Can you create an unbeatable level to put online?

Yes. No testing is required.

5. Is there a fedora or a kilt?

There is a fedora and there once was a kilt, but he's unsure of it coming back.

6. Is it possible to make a machine as easy to control as sackboy?

You can make a machine easy to use, but you cannot use it as easily as sackboy.

7. When is the demo/beta coming?

No idea.

8. Can you make invisible objects or a very dimly lit room?

Yes. They've already made a level that's dimly lit.

9. Will level remakes be allowed?

Yes, but naming them after the real level might get them deleted due to copyright reasons. Media Molecule has already made Super Mario Bros. Level 1-1.

10. Can you make multiple spawn points?

Yes, but to respawn, you must be closer to the point you want to respawn from.

11. What will be in the first batch of downloadable content?

Mostly things to dress up your character and possibly some levels that were taken off the list. He says that they might also let you download songs for your levels.

The beta had plenty of glitches including spazzing characters and levels that can become incompletable, but not too much to be fixed in two months (they'll have to work hard, though!). They also haven't officially named the fluff yet.

One thing that I particularly liked was the mini levels. They could be anything from a marble puzzle to an infinite rodeo ride or Jetman clone. There was even a Line Rider-like level!

I was a bit disappointed in the control, though. I was expecting more of a Mario-like control in which the jumps are fast and are as easy to control as on land. It was not such and a bit floaty. You also have to tap the control stick up and down to change which depth sackboy is in, rather than free-running between them. Also, if there's a wall with empty space in a neighboring depth and you jump against the wall, Sackboy automatically jumps into the neighboring empty space. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does.

I also got to play the final boss; The Collector's Lair. It wasn't too hard, but it was well made and very cool. I'll post a video of it later.

I was saddened to hear that there would not in fact be any music importing, so all narratives in the game will have to be in text form. There will also be no picture importing, so everyone ready with picture files on their computer will have to resort to taking Playstation Eye pictures of their computer screen.

I am happy, though, to report that the game is confirmed for an October 24th release date worldwide.

Now, this preview may seem a bit negative, but I assure you that the game experience is amazing. I am convinced that Little Big Planet will become the Youtube for video games. It's just not quite perfect. The representative that I met was a graphic designer that got the game to test 3 months ago. He normally doesn't like or play video games, but he plays it every day with childish wonder, amazed at every nook and cranny of it. It's a definite system seller and revolution in gaming. I bought a PS3 for it already. Let's hope for a large and brilliant community.

Sunday, August 10, 2008


I haven't posted a real story up for a while, so I decided I would. I wrote this whilst waiting for a plane.

Death is almost always moments away. If I go into a car, I know that I can end it all if I just open the door and jump out. When I walk along a cliff, it is ridiculously easy to fall off. It would be even simpler to injure myself by catching my arm in a door or falling on a cactus. Life is a danger to me, or rather, I'm a danger to myself. That's why I'm different. That's why I checked into the asylum.

The staff here is nowhere near competent. They don't realize that a stray rope can be used to hang yourself. What if I were to lose control? I'm a creative guy. Give me a glass of water and I'll drown in it. Just keeping me unrestrained around here is a huge mistake. I'm not so concerned about my killing others, though. If they die, that's their problem. If I die, then what can I do? Nothing, and that's what I'm scared of. Death is so easy. Why can't it be harder? Shouldn't there be a stack of paperwork for something like this? No. It's just a one-sided fight of the world against me.

The Game I Would Like To Destroy

Recently, asked what game would you like to destroy. This is my blog entry.

If there was one video game that I would like to destroy, it would have to be Yoshi: Topsy Turvy.

Hate Topsy

You constantly have to recalibrate the motion sensor, the game is laughably easy, and no part of it is fun at all. Unfortunately, the worst part about it is that it's supposed to be a spiritual sequel to Yoshi's Island, one of my favorite games ever. They didn't even keep in egg throwing. I know. It's horrible. The only reason I beat this game is so I could confirm how bad it is, and I regret it now. I WOULD destroy this, but I'm now a collector and I hope to teach future generations just how bad a game can be. Even abominations need to be documented to better mankind.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Objectives: Marriage

This is a video of me playing the improv game "objectives".

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Top Video Game Levels

Sure, some games are cool as a whole, but how come nobody discusses singular levels? Here are the top 5 levels that bring the most vivid memories.

5. Bottom of the Well (Ocarina of Time):
I shiver to think of this. It took me a long time to realize how easy this level was, so I fumbled around without the eye of truth, trying to memorize the invisible floors and falling over and over again into the redeads below. Their screams still haunt me at night...

4. Monstro Town (Super Mario RPG):
Yes, this technically isn't a level, but there are like 4 bosses in it, so I'll count it. Monstro Town was the biggest surprise to me in SMRPG. It made me realize that monsters had feelings and personalities. Then I would think back to all of the monsters I killed before just to level up. Even the creepy wolf was a cool guy when you had a conversation with him. And the tiny goombas were just adorable. The one monster I did not sympathize with was the sensei. That goddamn sensei kept killing each character with one shot and JUST WOULDN'T DIE.

3. The Last Level (Portal):
Sorry, I don't know what the last section of Portal is called, but it was really cool. I loved how you had to escape your fiery death, run aimlessly through Aperture Science, solve puzzles that look like they were never meant to be solved, and eventually fight GLaDOS in one of the most amusing boss fights ever.

2. Jumpin' Jack Flash (Elite Beat Agents):
I was boooooorn in a cross fire hurricane. Yes, my favorite level from my favorite music game was definitely the last. It was extremely hard, but awesome at the same time. I find this kind of embarrassing, but I actually think that they're cover of Jumpin' Jack Flash is better than the Rolling Stones' version. I never beat it on the hardest mode, but I got so close! Too bad my DS is screwed up now, because I'd replay that level anytime.

1. Touch Fuzzy, Get Dizzy (Yoshi's Island):
This was the coolest level EVER. You see the fuzzys around and assume that they're evil, so you avoid them. Then, eventually, you accidentally hit one and go into the druggiest video game experience this side of Katamari. It was supposed to be an obstacle, but I now see it as the best power-up of all time. Unfortunately, like the Kuribo Shoe, it was only used in one glorious level.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


Has anyone else here played the Tomba! games? I beat the first a while ago and the second one today. When I checked if Whoopee Camp (worst name for a company ever) had made any more games, I had been startled to see that it broke up after Tomba! 2. I really like this series, but it's gone now and there's no possibility of it coming back... What if the Mario or Zelda series never made it past game 2? That's what this feels like to me. This already amazing franchise would have gotten better and better, but it never made it.

The creative director went on to make ICO. I've never played it, but I've heard many great things. He's still out there making the best of games! I just wish this man would one day look back on his past and say, "Hey, that was a cool game. Let's try and do that again."