Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Idea of a Girlfriend

This story is technically fiction, but the character is me.

I sit on my friend's bed, waiting for him to get back from the bathroom. I survey the room and find that he has four pictures of him hugging girls on his walls. His girlfriends... He's by no means a lady's man, but he's somehow gotten four girlfriends in the past few years. I lie back onto the bed. Why does he have a girlfriend? Why don't I? I'm much more likable than Greg. Girls love me. I... No. This is my fault. I've been avoiding relationships on purpose. I can't handle something like that. I can hardly take care of myself. Do I hate myself...? No. I hate society. For some reason I have to have a friend that's MORE than a friend. Somebody who is potentially a partner in marriage. But not really. I need practice first. It's a sadistic idea. I need to love someone for a period of time, then I'll eventually have to tell them that I don't love them anymore. Then I'll probably have to avoid that person for the rest of my life. Greg enters.

"Greg, why do you have girlfriends?"
"Umm... because I like them as more than friends?"
"No. You would just have them as friends if nobody told you that you needed a girlfriend."
"I guess..."
"So is it just peer pressure? Do you genuinely care about them?"
"I kind of do and kind of don't. I learn to care about them and we get close."
"But... nobody around here is like me at all."
"...... What am I supposed to say? Too bad? Am I supposed to find you a girlfriend? When you find someone that you like, ask them out."
"But... no. I'm... not like you, Greg. I can't just say, 'Do you wanna go see a movie'. I'd feel sleazy taking a girl out to a movie. I'd feel like I'm taking advantage of her. Actually, I feel like having a girlfriend is just two people taking advantage of each other. It's so horrible, and yet I want it so badly. I feel like a creep!"
"You both know what you're doing in a relationship..."
"No. That's not true. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to say to my parents. I don't know what I should invite her to. I don't know how much I should like the girl. I don't know if I should say 'I love you'. I don't know how to kiss. God damn it, I'm the only guy I know who's never kissed a girl. How would I be able to cope with anything? I'd be a horrible boyfriend and I can't accept rejection. I might as well live life alone..."
"I'm sorry. I... I'm sorry."

Yeah... That was less a story and more a pouring of emotions. At least it's realistic.