Best Craig's List Ad Ever

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new york craigslist > manhattan > rooms & shares
$1 Room for ONE DOLLAR in bright, clean apartment (Upper West Side) (map)
Reply to: hous-834022781@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-09-09, 1:44PM EDT
I am looking for someone to rent the spare bedroom in my spacious 2-bedroom apartment on the picturesque and desirable Upper West Side. You must read carefully, however, as this situation is not suitable for all.
The rent is $1 per month, utilities included, as long as you bake me fifty (50) tasty cookies every day by 6 p.m. If you have not completed this task by 6 p.m., I will pour vinegar on all your belongings, throw them into the street, and have the locks changed. No exceptions and no excuses. Hell or high water, those cookies better be done and yummy.
Cookies are always cookies and never biscuits. I do not eat “biscuits”.
I will decide the specific type of cookie the day before and will submit my preference in writing by 9 p.m. of that day. You are responsible for the recipe and ALL the ingredients (at your expense, of course). The kitchen is large and well equipped with cookie sheets, rolling pins, mixing bowls, etc. You may NOT hum or sing as you prepare the cookies. You may, however, recite song lyrics in a normal speaking voice.
Forbidden ingredients include anise, marjoram, allspice, caraway, and oats. I will nevertheless request oatmeal cookies from time to time and you must find a way to make them without oats. Good luck with that. The worst ingredient of all, though, is NUTMEG. If even one speck of nutmeg, even the tracest amount of the stuff, is discovered in my home, I will pour vinegar on your belongings and chuck them in the street. You may assume the locks will be changed. You may use cinnamon, cloves, and raisins, though I am rather indifferent to these and will likely not be impressed. Chocolate is encouraged, as is vanilla bean extract.
You will be given three cookie cutters: a crescent moon, a star, and a doggie in profile. All cookies must be in one of those three shapes. The doggies must be given names and all the names must be different and cute. Cuteness is my call, not yours. For example, “Smuggins” is cute but “Lionel” is not.
The cookies must be artfully arranged on a lace cloth on a silver platter and garnished. Permissible garnishes include jellied fruits and candied flowers. Sugared figs are under review, but don’t get your hopes up.
Your room contains a twin bed, a dresser, a desk w/chair, and a TV with cable access. The TV is tuned permanently to the Food Network. You may watch only shows featuring cookies and cookie by-products.
If you are interested in this arrangement, please submit the following:
1) Your favorite cookie recipe
2) A picture of tasty cookies
3) A short original poem about cookies
Thank you.

YUM

Western Culture Hiding the Truth About Food

A while ago I went to a restaurant in China town and I saw this staring up at me from the plate. At first I thought it was strange to eat something with a head. Then I realized that all meat had a head at one point. Western culture had blinded me from the truth. I had not appreciated all of these years that what I was eating was not a plant, but a being that had lived. I felt sorry for it, but then I also realized that it was simply the circle of life to eat other animals. Becoming a vegetarian wouldn't be an option for me anyway. There's no way I could look at a lobster and not think of making a meal of it.

An Egg Yolk

Ah, the egg. Loved and hated by many. Some people refuse to even eat the yolk of an egg, saying that it's grotesque and foul tasting. Others, like me, will embrace the yolk, eating it whole or savoring it slowly. The hard boiled yolk is, I admit, a bit hard to swallow. I need some sort of drink with it to wash it down, but I enjoy the texture and flavor. Some might think this is strange, but I never put salt or pepper on my hard boiled eggs. I feel that it takes away from the taste. But the greatest egg dish of all is not the hard boiled egg, but the poached egg. It is a regal dish, often having its own cup, a throne if you will. Depending on mood, I may eat it on toast or plain. Here is the fun part. One must poke a hole in it, and golden liquid will seep out. Then they must take a bite or gobble it at once. The latter ensures them getting the most yolk, but the former allows the eater to contemplate the egg, to understand its true meaning. When I am eating an egg like this, I feel that I have reached a temporary euphoria. The only thing that can get me down is the idea that it will be gone soon. The poached egg is a perfect dish. There is no way to make it better.

Fuchsia Dunlop IRB Review

When you hear the phrase, “Chinese food,” what do you think of? Shrimp lo mein? Chicken and Broccoli? When you hear the phrase, “French food,” can you make such a narrow picture? Most people would say no. This is ironic, as China is hundreds of times bigger than France and has many more delicacies to choose from. Fuchsia Dunlop shows exactly how little Westerners know about the second largest country in the world.

Fuchsia Dunlop set out to research China for the BBC. Almost as soon as she got there, she abandoned the idea of working for TV and started getting into the native cuisine. Amazed by the flavors and extraordinary food, she decided to take courses in Sichuanese cooking. She saw how much different Chinese culture was to what she was used to. Daughters are hardly seen as part of the family, in some parts of the country, people have never seen foreigners, and almost all of the people loved Mao, even though he killed many people and was a fierce ruler. Fuchsia was overwhelmed by this culture shock, but she started to become more and more Chinese, almost to the point where she couldn’t understand why some people wouldn’t eat chicken feet. Now she has become a food celebrity and she makes China seem like an amazing place to be.

As I read this book, I got more and more intrigued by China. The whole idea of a culture revolving around food and streets brimming with snacks piqued my interest. I had to learn more about it. So I decided to make a hot pot from the book and my parents and I drove off to Chinatown for Chinese produce and sauces. It was a blistering hot day, but we had to find my ingredients. We left the car and checked all of the stalls. It took a while, but we finally found some radishes, ginger, and cabbage. The cabbages were a bit bigger than normal ones, but the radishes were HUGE. They were practically the size of my head! There were also string beans almost as long as an arm! Whoever said everything is bigger in Texas has obviously never been to China. We checked a couple of grocery stores and found our sauces and I managed to find some milk flavored pocky (It melted by the time I got home, but it was actually white chocolate flavor, so it was okay.). One grocery had animal crackers with Macaw, Furseal, and Mandarin Duck shapes (I didn’t know that they were that specific in those designs!). The groceries smelled of dried shrimp, so getting out of them was a relief. After our shopping, we visited a crowded restaurant called Xo Kitchen. I wanted to get the goose feet, duck feet, or pig knuckles, but I stopped myself from getting too strange foot food. We did get a whole squab, though. Head and tail still attached. It was delicious. We went home happy (minus one parking ticket). Success!

The next day, we made the hot pot. We peeled and chopped monster vegetables, eating leafy cabbage slices on the sly. The Sichuan peppercorns’ bag warned not to eat as a snack, but they looked so delicious! My Dad chopped the meat and then stirred it into a spicy chili mixture. Covered in chili sauce, the colorless meat had donned a supernaturally spicy coating. We covered it in water and let it stew for a few hours. Just a little while now…

We put the dish in a fondue pot and watched it come to a simmer. We took our rice and a bit of the concoction. We raised our chopsticks to our mouth and felt the flavor. Not only did we taste it, we felt it. The hot pot had overpowered us. I dipped into my cran-grape juice funds and went for another go at this challenge. Nothing in that pot was the least bit mild. Then we remembered. The tofu! We threw it in, waited a little while and took a bite. Ah! Something that has that almost obnoxiously loud spicy flavor coupled with a cooling inside! We were pleased at this flavor. The radishes were also quite a good contrast, both bitter and spicy. Nearing the end of the feasting, we were delirious with spice. As Fuchsia Dunlop put it, “We couldn’t distinguish pain from pleasure.” And so ends my brief discovery of China.

Cooking Robots!

Oh. Ho. Eggs. 

I want this! I could rent it to people who play World of Warcraft and they could teach it to grind! Oh, and I could teach it to dance too.

A Quick Stop at Cones

After a Korean dinner (that I'll post about some other time), me and my father went to get ice cream. We found a shop with a large line inside. It was called, "Cones: Ice Cream Artisans". We strolled into the shop and I asked to try a few of the strange flavors. I tried cantaloupe (alright, but had a bit of a overly-sweet aftertaste), watermelon (a sticky grainy flavor), and, one I simply had to try, corn (tasted too MUCH like corn. I found a kernel in my teeth.). I decided to go with the old favorite; chocolate. Why sacrifice good taste for a zany taste? The chocolate melted a bit fast, but was satisfying as always. Next time I'm getting kumquat in rum flavor...

Pho Tu Do

I was on Serious Eats today and saw the forum post, "What is pho?" (pronounced 'fuh'). I checked it out and it intrigued me. It turns out that pho is a vietnamese beef soup with rice noodles. It has become very popular and there are whole restaurants devoted to the dish and its variations. I checked google and found some restaurants with pho, a few with strange names like, "What the Pho" and "Pho Shizzle" (I also found that What the Pho had broken several health violations). I then looked for some restaurants in Manhattan and found that the best reviewed one is "Pho Tu Do". I simply had to try it out, so when my mom came home, I somehow convinced her to go (the lamb in our fridge had to wait!). We met my dad in the city and found the restaurant.

If you see the restaurant from the outside, or even the inside for that matter, you would be skeptical why anybody would come from out of the city to eat there. It seems like any old asian restaurant and christmas ornaments hang from the ceiling like stalactites. We browse the menu and end up ordering a summer roll (shrimp wrapped in cellophane) and a "noodle" which is quite obviously not a noodle (it's like 4 large and greasy ravioli) for appetizers. I got a coconut for a drink, and I must say, it was delicious. I originally wanted the salty lemonade, but the waiter advised me not to. I couldn't understand why because he couldn't speak English well. I wasn't disappointed with the coconut, though. After I was done with the juice, I could mine out slivers of coconut meat from the inside and fish them through the opening in the top. I don't know why, but I enjoy slowly working at pieces of food to retrieve small rewards, like squeezing out the meat from lobster legs. The appetizers were pretty interesting, and I enjoyed the texture of the summer roll. Nothing amazing yet, though. Then we got pho (a 'special big bowl' as they put it on the menu), shrimp that we cooked ourselves on a small grill, and spicy shrimp soup with a coconut broth. The pho surprised all of us, having a deep and soul-warming flavor, slices of beef that pulled apart easily and gave an almost sensual taste, rice noodles that you slowly slurped into your mouth. It was as if it slapped us in the face and yelled at us for eating any other food. The shrimp was tender and delicious, but I was a bit disappointed that I had to shell them myself. When I had finally gotten to the spicy shrimp soup, I was so full, but I had to try the last dish. It had an immense curry flavor and changed in your mouth from mild to intense. It was also very spicy, but my coconut juice was out. I drank the rest of my water and reluctantly stopped eating the spicy soup. We asked for the check and I started spooning the remains of the pho into my mouth. We paid, then slowly rose, as Ken Kesey put it, like fat cats full of milk. We took our toothpicks, then strolled out of the restaurant like it was all a glorious dream. I wanted to visit the nearby "Double Crispy Bakery", but I was warned that Chinese dessert wasn't very good. Next time...

The food was amazing, the price was low, and the waiter seemed nice. My only complaints were he didn't speak English well and the atmosphere wasn't perfect. Other than that I can't see any reason NOT to go to this restaurant. If you live in New York State, make your next dinner one at Pho Tu Do.

Serious Eats

I previously linked to this site for the Grand Theft Auto IV food landmarks, but I also want to point out the great articles on food there. They range from bacon pizza, to mojito cake to a portable kitchen. I aspire to make my food posts as good as theirs someday. Check it out at the title link.

Chinese Food

Another thing that I've noticed about Fuchsia Dunlop's new book is how much more complicated and rewarding Chinese food sounds. While Western food seems to just circulate around one or two ingredients and has a few seasonings to enhance the flavor, Chinese food seems hundreds of times more intricate. They have well seasoned dishes, focusing on the very idea of flavors, rather than just pretending that there is a limit to the dish. It's as if Western food just tells a sentence or a phrase, while Chinese food spins full tales about a culture or just nature itself. They also don't limit themselves to such few and boring ingredients. The Chinese use every edible thing they can use, making their food that much more complex. After reading most of the book, it seems foolish to me that we let pig's blood drain, or throw away organs. I want to try and taste everything and see just what kind of stories are made by chefs. I'm done with most of my fantasizing about European food. Asia's got my eye now.

The Coffee Incident

Two days ago,my friends and I were buying a friend, I'll call...uh...Steve, a bunch of iced coffees. You see, recently our school cafeteria has been making iced coffee for students for $1.50 a cup and each student was allowed only one cup a day. A couple of us went to go get coffee for him after he got his first because he was pretty much hooked on iced coffee recently. As more people went, the louder the cries were for Steve to drink faster. When I went to go, I asked for $2.00 for my cup. Steve said he had no money, so another one of the friends gave me two dollars and set it in front of Steve. He managed to drink 7 cups of iced coffee.

Yesterday, I found him drinking more iced coffee in the cafeteria. It turns out that he never fell asleep that night and they wanted to see how many he could drink before he crashed after the caffeine high. He seemed like he didn't want to drink more, so I asked him why he kept drinking more. He answered, "Because it's in front of me." A good reason if ever there was one. He got to 11 coffees when another friend came back after a while on the line with another cup. Steve started to sip it, then spit it back into the cup.
"How many sugars did you put in this?!?"
"I lost count after twelve."
He tried to drink the rest of it, but after half was done he spit some onto the floor and said he couldn't drink any more. The show was over.

This morning, I saw him in the halls and asked him if he was up all night again. He said, "No, I had a massive crash."

I know it was a bit cruel to just let him drink so much coffee, but he looked like he was really enjoying being so daring. Now we all have this great story to tell.

Sichuan Crisp Calligraphy Brushes

I've been reading the new Fuchsia Dunlop book and I read that a master chef made a dish that looked like calligraphy brushes and a cup of ink. The brushes are actually a pastry filled with minced meat at the end of a bamboo stick and the ink is dipping sauce. I wish I could try it, but there are zero results on a google search. I could try and cook it at home and make a makeshift copy of it, but I don't know what the sauce is and I don't know how the meat inside is made. It sounds so good and so clever, but it seems that for the time being I can't get my hands on them. Maybe I'll someday go to China and seek out this chef/someone else who knows this recipe. Now to learn Mandarin...

Grand Theft Auto and Food

Who would've thought that Grand Theft Auto IV's restaurants had real life counterparts? I don't have the game, but if you do, I suggest checking out these hot spots in Liberty City. The article is at the title link.

Huzzah! A Food Article!

Tonight I ate at Grand Sichuan. I've eaten there before and had a great time, so why not try again? Me, my mom, and my dad drove out to the city for a Sichuan treat.

We ate the soup dumplings last time and loved them, so we ordered eight. They're very tender dumplings that you must put in large spoons. There's hot soup inside, so you have to poke holes in them to drain it. They also have pork in the middle, so it's kind of like a very small subgum wonton soup with a darker and heartier stock. It was delicious, and I had fourths as usual. We got to the main course; Aui Zhou Spicy Beef and Chicken with Mixed Vegetables and Lotus Root. My parents ordered the medium spicy kind much to my dismay. I wanted to test my pain threshold. I chopsticked the white and brown rice onto my plate and was spooned some Beef with some vegetables. I tried the beef and was amazed at its full, well seasoned, and, for lack of better words, beefy taste. The vegetables also complemented it well, having the same sauce on it, but nice and crisp. Wait, wasn't this supposed to be spicy? It didn't seem so, until I eyed the spicy peppers on the serving plate, slightly scorched, foreshadowing my near future. I grabbed the biggest one with my chopsticks, said, "Here I go." I put the whole pepper in my mouth. My thoughts are as follows. "Hmm... This isn't too spicy. Kinda bland, but OH GOD! MY MOUTH! IT'S ON FIRE! QUICK, SWALLOW IT BEFORE ANY PERMANENT DAMAGE! NO! THE PAIN WON'T GO AWAY! The water... IT ONLY HELPS FOR A SECOND! The chicken... IT ONLY MAKES IT MORE PAINFUL! I HAD NO IDEA THAT SOMETHING SPICY CAN MAKE YOUR TONGUE SO TENDER!" I went on like this for another ten or so minutes, tears in my eyes, trying to soothe my tongue with an ice cube. Once the pain was over, I retried the chicken. Pretty bland. The lotus root... Kind of starchy. Next time we won't get this dish. We finished our meal and got fortune cookies with strange fortunes coupled with oranges. A good way to wind down the most painful experience I've had for months. This was mostly delicious and memorable, but for two different reasons. I pause before passing through the door to think what would happen if we got the full spicy beef.

Why I Haven't Written Too Much About Food

A couple of days ago I started reading Fuchsia Dunlop's book, 'Shark's Fin and Sichuan Pepper: A Sweet-Sour Memoir of Eating in China'. I read the book for a while and I get lost in her description of the Sichuanese food. So deliciously tingly in your mouth, so delightful, even sometimes painfully spicy, but it's still amazing. Then I wake up to cruel reality. I live in Westchester, a gastronomic wasteland! Not a culinary wasteland, mind you. There are plenty of fresh and great ingredients at the farmer's market and supermarket, but all of the restaurants, except maybe the local sushi bar, have boring and often mediocre food. I want to get out into the rest of the world and try new foods, new flavors. I read of places where food is the most important part of daily life, but in Westchester, more than a few people dismiss mushrooms or don't even like a cool glass of milk! I feel like I'm trapped in a strange world that I need to get out of!

This is why I don't write much about food. It's not that I'm not passionate for it. It's just that I can't find anything worth writing about!

Eating at Sam's

Tonight I ate at Sam's Restaurant, and I was fairly satisfied. We were breaking the Passover "fast", and I was eager to eat some bread.

When we got there, I had about three pieces of the complimentary bread. It wasn't amazing, but it felt great to have something fluffy again. I also really enjoyed the tomatoes on bread. I always look forward to that. We got the cold antipasto, but it had hardly any vegetables on it. It was mostly a meat plate. It was okay meat, but some of it was hard to chew and it was way too much for an appetizer. Next we got a mushroom pizza. It was very tasty, but the crust was very thin, and I tend to prefer the thicker crusted pizzas. I just don't think that pizzas should be crunchy. It didn't have much cheese, and it was advertised as having many different mushrooms on it, but almost all of them were portobellos. Despite the shortcomings, I really enjoyed it. Before we left I ordered a tartufo. It was the same exact tartufo I had gotten at the Cafe Roma on Arthur Avenue a month or two ago! I had realized that I had been cheated. I enjoyed it when I got it a while ago, but now that I knew its true colors, I felt disgusted. It was a satisfactory, but it tasted kind of manufactured; especially the almonds. We left with full stomachs and I can't say I wasn't happy.

During the dinner, there was a woman at a table nearby who ordered nothing but wine. During the pizza course, she took out her cell phone and called her husband and yelled for a divorce! She even told him to get someone to check the value of all of the books! I'm not sure if she was just too drunk or serious, but I must admit that it was amusing to hear this. I guess I'm a natural eavesdropper.